


You adored humanity, but you loved him the most.

by icebucky



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas thinks Dean is dead, Dean Winchester is dead, Destiel - Freeform, Feels, M/M, NO I DO NOT BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, friendly reminder, post s9 finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-07 23:44:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1918629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icebucky/pseuds/icebucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dean's death, Castiel tries to remember that he has more important things to do, because yes, he was in love, but he was in love with humanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You adored humanity, but you loved him the most.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I was sad. And this happened. This is based on the tumblr post that reads:
> 
> "remember when Cas pulled Dean out of hell and joyously shouted Dean Winchester is saved over angel radio so loud that Anna and every other angel heard it
> 
> imagine the bone-chilling cry he gave, the scream of anguish and helplessness, the broken tone and grief-stricken words said so loud that every angel everywhere had no choice but to stop and listen and shiver
> 
> Dean Winchester is no more"
> 
> Bonus points if you can identify the Frozen and TFIOS references in here too hehe ;)

Castiel remembers everything. Who he's been, the life he's led, the many times he's been reset over the eons. He remembers how, because they couldn't trust him, he was unable to go home. Because he had a mind of his own, he wasn't able to be a part of his family anymore.

Castiel supposes that this was because he had chosen a new family. Because Castiel remembers everything, remembers five years ago when he broke through the gates of hell to save him, to save the Righteous Man, to save Dean Winchester, who had a soul so bright and beautiful it made him ache just to look at him. Castiel remembers taking hold of what was left of Dean Winchester and pulling him out of the pit, remembers laying a hand on the human's shoulder and lifting him back into his own body, he remembers feeling, in that moment, exactly like the creature he was created to be, a creature of joy and song and light, and Castiel remembers soaring away with Dean Winchester, who had torturer's blood on his hands but still shone with the most incredible light that he has ever seen. For Castiel has seen some truly beautiful things in his life but Dean Winchester is by far the greatest out of all of them.

Castiel remembers his joy and his triumph and his feeling of success, and from the first moment he laid a hand on this Righteous Man he had been filled with a wonder that had surpassed anything he had ever felt. He wanted everyone to know, he remembers wanting to scream and shout and announce to the entire world and everywhere that he could reach that  _Dean Winchester is saved_. He didn't realize at the time how far his cry had spread; in fact, he was shocked that a fallen angel had even been able to hear his call. But Castiel hadn't cared, for he was filled with such hope about this mission, this revelation, his faith in this man whom he had only touched once, but sealed himself in a bond that he should have foreseen.

Years later, and Castiel has yet to regret his decision to form the bond he and Dean share. Dean told him once that he'd rather have him, cursed or not, and Castiel feels undeniably, unshakeably, willingly sacrificingly the same way about Dean. Castiel does not regret even one minute of his interaction with Dean; he never has and he knows he never will. For he has had all the time he can have, years longer than he should have but an infinity too short.

Unless Metatron was lying (and he wasn't, Castiel can sense that this tiny, minuscule, but utterly staggering fact is true), Dean Winchester is dead. Castiel is silent, refusing to show or acknowledge an emotional response to this, but why, why, why didn't he tell  _Dean_ that he'd rather have him, cursed or not, when he'd found out about the Mark of Cain? Castiel's regrets are running very high and near to the surface but he shoves it down, boxes it up, takes care of what needs to be done, because yes, Metatron was right, he was in love, he's in love with humanity. Cas shoves it away like he's learned from the Winchesters and puts Metatron in a cell and starts to organize the angels and ignores that nagging feeling of forgetting and comforting Sam and he ties it up and thinks  _no, no this isn't important_ , and  _you need to focus_ , and  _conceal, don't feel_ , but finally it gets to be too much and he finds himself rocketing out of heaven because he can't take it anymore and on the street corner, where he looked that man in his green eyes as he told him, "Don't ever change." And everything seems wrong, the streetlights, the weather, the passing cars, the smell on the air and the coat Cas is wearing. Dean had told him never to change. Cas couldn't even do that in the most literal sense of the word. Everything seems so incredibly wrong and it's bearing down on him and he thinks  _no, be strong_ because that is what an angel of the Lord is supposed to do but Castiel is no angel and there is no Lord. The pressure's increasing and he's falling to his knees, his hands, the beat rushing in his ears sounds like the word  _Dean,_ and no, he can't do this, he can't he can't he can't -

"FUCK!" he screams into the night and melts, falling into the pavement on his hands and knees, not realizing he is screaming into his arms until he wonders why he can't catch his breath. He's shuddering and shaking and he's never in his existence felt so lost. He's terrified, it's collapsing, it was so stupid to shove it aside because that's the fucking thing about pain, it demands to be felt. Nothing, nothing, no loss or fear or torture that Castiel has experienced before will ever be the same or even a tenth of what he feels now, and he wants everyone, the entire fucking universe, to hear his song of pain and to stop in their tracks because Castiel is lost and Dean Winchester is dead.

Dean Winchester is dead.

Around the world, in heaven and on earth, they stop. They hear a voice, broken and raw, torn with anguish and scraped by heartbreak and grief, screaming in the loss of the Righteous Man, the boy who saved the world with his brother, the self-sacrificing bastard who thinks he's 90% crap and who doesn't  _ever_ think he deserves to be saved. And all around the world, on heaven and on earth, there isn't an angel in existence who doesn't shudder at the bone chilling cry that stamps the message all over angel radio.

Yes, Castiel adored humanity.

But he loved his human, Dean Winchester, the most.


End file.
